Decisions

Decisions, those pesky mental tasks we put off as long as possible, letting them accumulate dust and cat hair like the piles of unread books sitting around my room. But lo, I have made some. I am going to stay in Boston a third year. I am going to apply to the musicology program at BU so I can do the combined major that J has been doing. I'm going to spread the extra courses out over two semesters so that I can also take German. I will come up with a brilliant and interesting thesis/lecture-recital topic, write the best Fulbright application ever, and continue playing with my wonderful musical colleagues. I am relieved to be done with the pondering over this. Whether or not it turns out to have been the right decision (although I think it will), now that I've made it, I can get to work on its implementation, a concrete thing that I find much easier than the endless contemplating.

There is something so invigorating about fall weather, the crispness of the mornings, the lazy warmth of the afternoons. I've been sleeping with the windows open and a big comforter wrapped all around me. I love the juxtaposition of the warmth and the cold air on my face.

My recital is four weeks from tomorrow. I'm not ready, but hopefully I will be when the time comes. There are a lot of notes in my program and a lot of expressive things I need to figure out, get control of, learn to execute well. It's funny feeling like a cellist again after years of identifying more as a gamba player who also plays Baroque cello. I do love the cello, in a different and perhaps not equal way to the way I love the viol but still, there's a deep affection for it. Cello has all the memories of my past from before I began gamba.

There is leftover sweet potato bread and rice and curry from my cooking efforts last night, I think they will make a lovely lunch after I finish my tea.

September

Here we are, on the precipice of another year. For me, the new year always begins in fall. Sadly, I think this has more to do with my immersion in the academic world than my Jewish heritage. Happy beginning of 08-09. This is a big year for me. Having established myself in Boston, made friends, played gigs, learned the ropes, I now can take advantage of all that to make smart choices about how much time I spend in rehearsals and for what. I know what I can and cannot do, what makes me happy, how important it is to have food with me at all times, etc. This is also the year I graduate from graduate school. I'll be a Zoe with a master's degree. How bizarre. That's almost enough qualification to do something important! I won't bore you with my agonizing over what comes next and the long term implications of that choice. But I do find myself in the mood for arbitrary devotion. I've always been independent, constrained only minimally by my family and closest friends, neither of which has much guided my life goals or choices. Since my mother's death, I've lost a lot of the feeling of grounded attachment to my family, and since that coincided fairly closely with leaving Oberlin and my network of wonderful friends, I've been afloat here. This is how I rationalize my current inclination to grab onto things and hold on tightly. I almost want make decisions, even compromises because of a boyfriend, a musical group. This is silly and unlike me. Luckily, my relationship with K isn't like that at all, it has a transient quality and its sense of inevitable ending, so I am not tempted to stay in Boston for him. I would, however, choose my next move if it meant I could continue playing with Leon and Tats. I don't think this is in the cards either as neither knows what happens after this year nor have we really solidified ourselves as an ensemble. So in the end, I'm stuck with myself, what do I want, what is best for me? These are questions that, ironically, I'm not able to answer. Ironic, because I'm good at helping others answer them, good at seeing what people really want even when they can't see it.

In other news, I've begun scheming about the recipe for my protein/granola bar that will overtake the free world for its healthfulness and deliciousness. That or allow me to continue to get nutrition throughout the business of the school year!

I Love Hugh Laurie

I saw a dead squirrel in Harvard Square the other day. This in and of itself is not particularly remarkable as I've seen many dead squirrels in my lifetime and even witnessed the killing of a few. But this squirrel was different. It was at the bottom of a tree, on its side, as if it had just fallen out of the tree and made a not so graceful landing. It's eyes were open, it had no visible wounds, I walked very close and could only tell it was dead because it wasn't breathing. Do squirrels really die from falling out of trees sometimes? Or perhaps this squirrel died in the tree and then fell? I've been watching a lot of episodes of the TV show "House." If I were on the show, I would want to figure out how the squirrel died. Of course, on the show, nothing turns out to be simple or straightforward, all the illnesses are rare, bizarre, unexpected. I think the show's emphasis on seeing everything as a potential symptom of illness has made me look at things differently this week. On the bus and the T, I've been noticing cuts and rashes on people, subtle ticks, how some people favor a leg or arm, the way they cough. I don't know nearly enough to even make guesses about their health but it's fun to notice these things.

Post-Conclave

My Faithful Readers, I have returned! I spent a week in New Hampshire playing gamba, drinking booze, playing more gamba and only occasionally sleeping. It was an intense experience and it took me a few days to recover (not just from the sleep but from being surrounded by people and music all the time). I feel more or less like myself again now (and really, when do I ever truly feel like myself?) and have returned to attempting to chart out the course of my life. I have several competing outlines at the moment, none of which have been fleshed out yet. I'm going to do some research into my options to fill in some holes and help me decide which outline I like best. Some of the plans surprised even me but meeting so many people at conclave who were in different places in their careers and following different paths, I was inspired to be less narrow in what I envisioned for myself.

One of the most exciting things at conclave (and the one I had no idea about) was getting to play on electric viols. One of the people there owns three and had brought them and his whole electronic set-up with him. The set-up included a really fun loop pedal that allows you to lay down multiple layers of grooves to jam over. Messing around on that stuff was pure joy. Also getting to improvise with someone else for the first time in too many years. I'd forgotten what an intimate experience that was and how integral improvisation is to my happiness and musical creativity. I'm definitely going to get some equipment so that I can better record and play over myself.

In other news, K took off for California yesterday and by the time he returns, I'll have left for my last vacation of the summer, so I won't see him until September. It's unfortunate and I'm sure I'll miss him, but conclave has filled me with a sense of purpose and musical drive that I think will keep me entertained.

For now, I will munch on a little more of J's delicious banana bread!

Off to NH!

Bright and early on the morrow I depart for scenic Ringe, New Hampshire. Why, you ask? For the Viola da Gamba Society of America Summer 2008 Conclave, obviously! Seriously though, it's my first time going to this annual event where the whole American gamba world congregates to play consorts and drink booze for a week. I'm pretty excited. Not only will I get to hobnob and drink with awesome dorky people much like myself, I will also get to coach and be coached by lots of different and talented people. I haven't really heard that many different gamba players and I'm interested in seeing their approaches to technique and music. A full report will be made upon my return. In anticipation of bad cafeteria food, I have packed a half-loaf of bread I made yesterday, juice boxes of soy-milk, luna bars, apples and peaches to supplement my diet with. Gotta change a broken string on the gamba tonight and then get some sleep because I'm getting up early!

Beach Story

As promised, a story of many adventures:

K and Xt and I went to the beach yesterday. It was a beautiful morning, there were sand sculptures to behold. As we left K's apartment, we wondered if maybe it would rain later but left anyway. It turned out "later" was "while we were still on the way to the T-station." I had brought an umbrella and Xt had a raincoat and K was prancing along with his shirt rolled up in his pocket (it was exceedingly hot out and humid) and we made it to the train damp but intact. Being the hardy and obstinate people we are, we never considered not going to the beach. As we got off the train we were overwhelmed by crowds of beach-goers returning home. Our arrival was also heralded by some claps of thunder and ominous flashes of lightning. Determined not to have traveled so far in vain, we made our way to the beach, jumping through puddles and failing to stay dry (note to self: sharing umbrella with a tall person makes for a lot of rain on the short person). Everyone was huddled under the pavilions and the beach area was deserted except for the sculptures (which were only just starting to melt a little in the persistent rain). So we stashed our stuff that needed to stay dry (mostly, my extra set of clothes and phones) and set off. It was great fun. The sculptures were fabulous, there was the added pride of being "those people" that everyone was watching from their dry shelters and thinking we were crazy. We were totally soaked when we walked back to the train, forded the river that was where the street had once been (fortunately, no oxen died and no axles broke) and ate peaches and sandwiches while trying to wring out our clothes while we were wearing them. The trip home was pretty miserable, but the hot shower upon arrival made it all worth it. We watched some BBC ocean nature shows and later made summer rolls for dinner. A lovely evening. Thus went yesterday.

Unrelated but Important Note: "The Secret Life of Words" may well be the best film I have ever seen. It will not be enjoyed by those who like to have a concrete story line and dislike overly depressing things, but I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys interesting characters and human relationships. I watched it Saturday night and I plan to watch it again on Wednesday with K. It is that good.

Sweltering in Boston

I've been absent from the online world for a while and though it was a welcome respite, I have decided to return. Spent a week with my dad both in Canaan and Ithaca. Did lots of important sorting there, including my mom's jewelery, all the family photos (which are now in albums), old clothes of both mine and my mom's. And now I'm back and trying to stay busy with all my musical projects and the endless cutting and pasting that inevitably accompanies them. J is back from Ohio and it's nice to have her around again, keeps me upbeat, keeps me from napping too much, keeps me cooking and cleaning. It's good. And K, he's good too. We may go adventuring tomorrow which I will surely recap here if it happens. Life is slow and domestic these days, J and I scrubbed out the basement (which had been much abused throughout the year by the cats) and hung curtain-rods and curtains. We've made delicious meals and soups and sight-read music together. Sadly, J and my taste in movies has some non-overlapping corners from which I seem to have picked all our current Netflix. I will endeavor to watch them quickly so she and I can find things we'll both enjoy. The sky is luminous, the air is heavy, the cats are soft but shedding. A cold shower is a wonderful thing.