A Virtual Homecoming?

I decided to post something here since I haven't in a long time and for no explicable reason I have begun to feel guilty about this. Let's see, since November, I have:

-Gotten my new/old cello! My "e-bay special" made in approximately 1720 in Saxony was restored and I've been playing on it since January. It sounds great, has a big meaty tone, lovely dark varnish, a short neck I've been adjusting to slowly. I'm very happy with it but as of yet have not been inspired to name it.

-Taken a medieval notation class that is a lot of hard work but really fun (it's like solving puzzles!) and mostly enjoyable. I can now decipher really old music.

-Produced a concert by myself. It happened in March and was a whole bunch of beautiful German laments from the late 17th century. It was great fun, I learned a lot, I hope to do this again but maybe not for a while.

-Played in a masterclass for Wieland Kuijken. While I only had fifteen minutes with him due to poor planning, I played the first movement of the G-major Bach gamba sonata fairly well, got some interesting ideas and played it again much better. Nothing life-changing but a lot of people got to hear me play and I got to meet Wieland. Am looking forward to his concert tomorrow night.

On the table right now:

-Am still dating K. This isn't so much of an accomplishment, per se, but it kind of feels like one. It's been almost a year and we're still happy with each other. How cool is that?

-Am preparing for my lecture recital. My final requirement for my master's degree. The topic is the musical symbolism of the gamba. I will trace the gamba's allegorical meanings from the Italian intermedii through Bach's highly specialized usage in his cantatas and passions. There will also be pretty music. Tentatively, the date is May 12th at 3PM in Marsh Chapel at BU.

-Am preparing for the Concentus tour to Japan. Starting to learn St. Matthew bass lines as I will be the cello for orchestra one.

-Am also working on a longer term project of creating a Baroque cello excerpt book. This seems to have snowballed into a gigantic bit of work compiling everything hard for the Baroque cello, finding public domain sources and creating my own edition (possibly for publication!). A second volume of gamba excerpts may follow.

-I will be graduating from BU in mid-May with a Master of Music degree pending me turning in all the appropriate paperwork.

-Hence, I am looking for employment for next year. Also, housing. I'm staying in Boston since I've dug myself a nice little hole here full of friends and colleagues and occassional musical work.
Trying to put together a resume that includes skills other than music. Also, trying to figure out a way to make money that won't suck the living soul out of me. I am open to suggestions, offers, ideas, etc.

-My father is going to build a house on the land he just bought right outside of Ithaca and I'm hoping to spend some time there this summer helping him build and plant fruit trees and make a garden.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I have been terrible about keeping in touch with various people I love so maybe this post will count as something in a small way.

-Z

Still Life with Zoe

We stole a folding stand from the CFA lost and found. It lives in a little bag on which is printed "Xing Fei" surrounded by music notes. Our, no doubt terrible, verbal rendering of this reminded me of Sinn Fein, the Irish political party. Since then, I've come to refer to it as the "IRA stand." It is a wonderful stand: sturdy, portable, short. I just worry that some day we'll open the bag and there will be a massive explosion.

September

Here we are, on the precipice of another year. For me, the new year always begins in fall. Sadly, I think this has more to do with my immersion in the academic world than my Jewish heritage. Happy beginning of 08-09. This is a big year for me. Having established myself in Boston, made friends, played gigs, learned the ropes, I now can take advantage of all that to make smart choices about how much time I spend in rehearsals and for what. I know what I can and cannot do, what makes me happy, how important it is to have food with me at all times, etc. This is also the year I graduate from graduate school. I'll be a Zoe with a master's degree. How bizarre. That's almost enough qualification to do something important! I won't bore you with my agonizing over what comes next and the long term implications of that choice. But I do find myself in the mood for arbitrary devotion. I've always been independent, constrained only minimally by my family and closest friends, neither of which has much guided my life goals or choices. Since my mother's death, I've lost a lot of the feeling of grounded attachment to my family, and since that coincided fairly closely with leaving Oberlin and my network of wonderful friends, I've been afloat here. This is how I rationalize my current inclination to grab onto things and hold on tightly. I almost want make decisions, even compromises because of a boyfriend, a musical group. This is silly and unlike me. Luckily, my relationship with K isn't like that at all, it has a transient quality and its sense of inevitable ending, so I am not tempted to stay in Boston for him. I would, however, choose my next move if it meant I could continue playing with Leon and Tats. I don't think this is in the cards either as neither knows what happens after this year nor have we really solidified ourselves as an ensemble. So in the end, I'm stuck with myself, what do I want, what is best for me? These are questions that, ironically, I'm not able to answer. Ironic, because I'm good at helping others answer them, good at seeing what people really want even when they can't see it.

In other news, I've begun scheming about the recipe for my protein/granola bar that will overtake the free world for its healthfulness and deliciousness. That or allow me to continue to get nutrition throughout the business of the school year!

I Love Hugh Laurie

I saw a dead squirrel in Harvard Square the other day. This in and of itself is not particularly remarkable as I've seen many dead squirrels in my lifetime and even witnessed the killing of a few. But this squirrel was different. It was at the bottom of a tree, on its side, as if it had just fallen out of the tree and made a not so graceful landing. It's eyes were open, it had no visible wounds, I walked very close and could only tell it was dead because it wasn't breathing. Do squirrels really die from falling out of trees sometimes? Or perhaps this squirrel died in the tree and then fell? I've been watching a lot of episodes of the TV show "House." If I were on the show, I would want to figure out how the squirrel died. Of course, on the show, nothing turns out to be simple or straightforward, all the illnesses are rare, bizarre, unexpected. I think the show's emphasis on seeing everything as a potential symptom of illness has made me look at things differently this week. On the bus and the T, I've been noticing cuts and rashes on people, subtle ticks, how some people favor a leg or arm, the way they cough. I don't know nearly enough to even make guesses about their health but it's fun to notice these things.

Post-Conclave

My Faithful Readers, I have returned! I spent a week in New Hampshire playing gamba, drinking booze, playing more gamba and only occasionally sleeping. It was an intense experience and it took me a few days to recover (not just from the sleep but from being surrounded by people and music all the time). I feel more or less like myself again now (and really, when do I ever truly feel like myself?) and have returned to attempting to chart out the course of my life. I have several competing outlines at the moment, none of which have been fleshed out yet. I'm going to do some research into my options to fill in some holes and help me decide which outline I like best. Some of the plans surprised even me but meeting so many people at conclave who were in different places in their careers and following different paths, I was inspired to be less narrow in what I envisioned for myself.

One of the most exciting things at conclave (and the one I had no idea about) was getting to play on electric viols. One of the people there owns three and had brought them and his whole electronic set-up with him. The set-up included a really fun loop pedal that allows you to lay down multiple layers of grooves to jam over. Messing around on that stuff was pure joy. Also getting to improvise with someone else for the first time in too many years. I'd forgotten what an intimate experience that was and how integral improvisation is to my happiness and musical creativity. I'm definitely going to get some equipment so that I can better record and play over myself.

In other news, K took off for California yesterday and by the time he returns, I'll have left for my last vacation of the summer, so I won't see him until September. It's unfortunate and I'm sure I'll miss him, but conclave has filled me with a sense of purpose and musical drive that I think will keep me entertained.

For now, I will munch on a little more of J's delicious banana bread!

Sweltering in Boston

I've been absent from the online world for a while and though it was a welcome respite, I have decided to return. Spent a week with my dad both in Canaan and Ithaca. Did lots of important sorting there, including my mom's jewelery, all the family photos (which are now in albums), old clothes of both mine and my mom's. And now I'm back and trying to stay busy with all my musical projects and the endless cutting and pasting that inevitably accompanies them. J is back from Ohio and it's nice to have her around again, keeps me upbeat, keeps me from napping too much, keeps me cooking and cleaning. It's good. And K, he's good too. We may go adventuring tomorrow which I will surely recap here if it happens. Life is slow and domestic these days, J and I scrubbed out the basement (which had been much abused throughout the year by the cats) and hung curtain-rods and curtains. We've made delicious meals and soups and sight-read music together. Sadly, J and my taste in movies has some non-overlapping corners from which I seem to have picked all our current Netflix. I will endeavor to watch them quickly so she and I can find things we'll both enjoy. The sky is luminous, the air is heavy, the cats are soft but shedding. A cold shower is a wonderful thing.

Happenings

I have returned to the world of the internet! Both much and little have transpired since my last post. For efficiency I return to the convenient list format.

-Watched some movies. Nell: very good; Where Angels Fear to Tread: not as good

-Recorded a song for my gamba bluegrass album. Recording quality is low, audience approval (audience of one, K) is high. Refinement in recording technique and equipment would be helpful, ability to listen to my own voice without cringing would also be a plus.

-Went to NYC for one night to see an art opening. Survived Lucky Star bus-ride, ate good food, walked for hours, saw wonderful art, fun people, did crossword puzzles. Saw father who returned me to Boston and had dinner with me and K. K liked father, no word yet from father on useful insights into psychology of K, verdict pending.

-Had a "sick day" with K (who is actually sick) on Thursday. Soup was made, books were read, crosswords were solved, tea was drunk, much laziness ensued. A good day, all around.

-Today, I recovered from over-extended social muscles. Sat around, did crosswords, read, listened to music, stared off into space, snacked, failed to accomplish anything useful. A quiet day that I will finish off with a movie (of course).

Random thought of the day: letters are awesome, real letters, on paper, with handwriting. I think I will write more of them. Not because I want to receive return posts (although it's always exciting to get a letter!) but because you can have a burst of thought about someone, put it in the mail and forget about it so that it's a surprise when he or she gets back to you about it!

Also awesome: gigantic thunderstorms! Today's was amazing. I even lit candles on the off-chance that the power would go out (can't seem to find J's lighter and so I lit them off the stove which wouldn't have worked in a blackout!). Sadly, no such luck, but I did watch the pouring rain travel in the wind like little bits of fog swirling around the street. The kitties started at the thunder and ran around the house in terror while I luxuriated in the intensity of the whole thing from the vantage point of the couch!

More Stolen Words

A dear old friend of my family and brilliant writer, Steve Kuusisto, posted a poem on his blog this morning that made me smile so I've decided to repost it here for all of you. My father once said that the aim of poetry is to bring back the dead. He hasn't yet explained to me how this works but Steve's poem puts me in mind of the idea.

How Poetry Works

I wasn’t one of those who believed in the end of days.

I gave a butterfly my fingertip.

I was sweaty, loving, crude, open, honest, and bookish.

I didn’t just "believe" in the Bill of Rights,

I wove my clothing from its threads.

I held the kelson of creation and a dying man

And knew they are the same.

I saw the constitution of the living and of the dead

And knew they are the same.

Sometimes in the sweetness of a summer’s hour

I held the face of the man I loved

And I held the face of the woman I loved

For all faces are divine

Reposed in the ardor

Of the sky.

What did I tell you anyway?

Poems hold so tightly to everything, everyone--

There is no good time to go.

These leaves know nothing

But light and dark

And how to live.

--S.K.

Stuck in a Rut

Been a while since I've been seriously stuck but here I am again, unable to do anything unless there are people around. I tagged along with K this morning to the Arboretum (where he volunteers) and got to help label various plants. Mostly this consists of leisurely driving around the beautiful grounds, talking about the trees, trying to locate specific plants on confusing maps and then switching out the labels because the sub-species name has changed, or the info about where it is isn't actually correct. We relabeled some rhododendrons and some bamboo. Hearing K and the guy who works there rattling off the family names of various trees and shrubs, talking about the "peak" of the various flowers, tasting immature plums and speculating about various fruit. It made me very happy. Why am I always so excited about the things I don't know? Why am I not excited about early music right now?

Heard a fabulous concert last night of mostly Victoria with lots of my friends singing. I loved hearing Renaissance stuff again, it's been a while and I miss singing. There is so much I should do but don't want to. So many primary sources I should really read, so much technique I should rebuild, so much music I should learn. But when I'm here alone, I don't want to do anything. Yes, I know it's just my weird form of depression, but it never fails to confound me that the moments I least want to do anything are also the moments I want the most. I have so many conflicting dreams, I don't know what to follow. I'm not sure if I want to be the person I've been aiming to become anymore.

I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning and maybe I'll start the work of digging myself out of this terrible hole I've fallen into.

In Others' Words

Lots of people post song lyrics on their blogs. Today, I offer you translations of two 17th-century Italian song lyrics from a lovely recital I played in last night.

They spoke to a nostalgia and infusion of memories that I've been feeling lately.

Lagrimosa Beltà

Tearful beauty
for whom I longed for so many nights with sighing,
how have you so become?

Who was that savage?
Whose heart, full of contempt,
could have proved harsh against you?

Misery, I know well, and you cannot deny it.
Time, the age of great worth,
has calmed the breast
has silvered the gold of thy beautiful hair.

Lady, see the end approaching,
see that everything is mortal and fades.
In time beauty becomes worthless,
it is the common blow that none may parry.

The rain comes after the calm
and after the lightening bolt, grim thunder;
who is cruel does not merit pardon,
to be faithless to love is a vile outrage.

To such a vision, Ladies, render up your hearts.
With piety and humility,
learn to leave that sumptuous pride and
soften thy thoughts.

Beauty displays its splendor not in such as she,
nor ever did.
Then let she who would have lasting beauty
avail herself of pity.

Amanti, io vi sò dire

Lovers, I can tell you
that it is much better to flee
from a pretty woman:
whether she is cruel or merciful,
whatever the situation,
to die for love is madness.

You need not think
of finding joy in love,
the happiness of love
is a thing of the moment,
and after all a beautiful woman
never bestows roses without thorns.

The hope of enjoyment is based on suffering,
beauty and courtesy
do not go hand in hand,
I can say, to my misfortune,
that love goes together with death.

It would take floods of tears to put out the volcanoes
of a heart in love,
of a soul that is inflamed . . .
Before it reaches shelter,
how often it says: Alas, I am dead!

Believe in one
who can say from experience: I saw, I was:
If you won't believe,
let it be,
it matters little to me,
carry on loving.
In any case,
those who must break their necks
will not escape steep slopes or deep falls.
As the wise proverb always says:
You cannot escape your destiny.

My lady, I know who you are,
Cupid, I know what I am doing,
I'll have nothing more to do with you,
keep your distance, both of you!
If everyone were like myself,
Cupid would be a fool, and not a god.

Reflections on a year in Boston

My roommate requests that I update this now that the recital is over and so I will do it just for her!

The only news of interest is the recital so I'll start there. It went well. Actually, that's an understatement, it went really well. Better than I had hoped. Sure there were mistakes (lots of them, some more serious than others) but they didn't ruin anything and the parts I didn't mess up are really spectacular. Val told me (with tears in her eyes because she had a bad cough!) that I was in a completely different place than I had been a year ago when last she heard me play. Listening to the recording, I hear she's right. I don't know what it is but I sound like a professional who makes a bunch of mistakes instead of a student who plays very well. A strange distinction but accurate. I seem to have developed a poise and confidence in my playing that I've never had before. I don't know how, maybe it was meeting all these people who think I'm a great musician. I think I'm starting to believe them! I know I didn't work as hard as I could have this year. I didn't practice as much as I wanted to. But I played a lot. And I performed a lot. I think I finally got some of the "experience" I was so sorely lacking in Oberlin. I may not like living outside of the Oberlin bubble but it's been good for me musically.

So now the summer officially begins for me. As usual I have lots of ambitious plans I will not get around to or end up finishing but I like having them nonetheless. Proof of my greed for life, a testament to a vision of who I try to be. I have accepted that I want too much, I cannot live all the lives I desire, accomplish all the things I wish I could. So wanting them all will have to be enough and I'll do what I can.

What are your goals/hopes for the summer?

I want to learn a lot of new music. I want to cook new and interesting recipes. I want to play lots of frisbee. I want to read a lot of books. I want to figure out what I'm going to do after I graduate from BU (hopefully get a Fulbright to Europe to study with someone amazing). I want to plan interesting concert programs for next year and get some workshop/teaching gigs. And most importantly, I want to have fun with people I love!