Decisions

Decisions, those pesky mental tasks we put off as long as possible, letting them accumulate dust and cat hair like the piles of unread books sitting around my room. But lo, I have made some. I am going to stay in Boston a third year. I am going to apply to the musicology program at BU so I can do the combined major that J has been doing. I'm going to spread the extra courses out over two semesters so that I can also take German. I will come up with a brilliant and interesting thesis/lecture-recital topic, write the best Fulbright application ever, and continue playing with my wonderful musical colleagues. I am relieved to be done with the pondering over this. Whether or not it turns out to have been the right decision (although I think it will), now that I've made it, I can get to work on its implementation, a concrete thing that I find much easier than the endless contemplating.

There is something so invigorating about fall weather, the crispness of the mornings, the lazy warmth of the afternoons. I've been sleeping with the windows open and a big comforter wrapped all around me. I love the juxtaposition of the warmth and the cold air on my face.

My recital is four weeks from tomorrow. I'm not ready, but hopefully I will be when the time comes. There are a lot of notes in my program and a lot of expressive things I need to figure out, get control of, learn to execute well. It's funny feeling like a cellist again after years of identifying more as a gamba player who also plays Baroque cello. I do love the cello, in a different and perhaps not equal way to the way I love the viol but still, there's a deep affection for it. Cello has all the memories of my past from before I began gamba.

There is leftover sweet potato bread and rice and curry from my cooking efforts last night, I think they will make a lovely lunch after I finish my tea.

September

Here we are, on the precipice of another year. For me, the new year always begins in fall. Sadly, I think this has more to do with my immersion in the academic world than my Jewish heritage. Happy beginning of 08-09. This is a big year for me. Having established myself in Boston, made friends, played gigs, learned the ropes, I now can take advantage of all that to make smart choices about how much time I spend in rehearsals and for what. I know what I can and cannot do, what makes me happy, how important it is to have food with me at all times, etc. This is also the year I graduate from graduate school. I'll be a Zoe with a master's degree. How bizarre. That's almost enough qualification to do something important! I won't bore you with my agonizing over what comes next and the long term implications of that choice. But I do find myself in the mood for arbitrary devotion. I've always been independent, constrained only minimally by my family and closest friends, neither of which has much guided my life goals or choices. Since my mother's death, I've lost a lot of the feeling of grounded attachment to my family, and since that coincided fairly closely with leaving Oberlin and my network of wonderful friends, I've been afloat here. This is how I rationalize my current inclination to grab onto things and hold on tightly. I almost want make decisions, even compromises because of a boyfriend, a musical group. This is silly and unlike me. Luckily, my relationship with K isn't like that at all, it has a transient quality and its sense of inevitable ending, so I am not tempted to stay in Boston for him. I would, however, choose my next move if it meant I could continue playing with Leon and Tats. I don't think this is in the cards either as neither knows what happens after this year nor have we really solidified ourselves as an ensemble. So in the end, I'm stuck with myself, what do I want, what is best for me? These are questions that, ironically, I'm not able to answer. Ironic, because I'm good at helping others answer them, good at seeing what people really want even when they can't see it.

In other news, I've begun scheming about the recipe for my protein/granola bar that will overtake the free world for its healthfulness and deliciousness. That or allow me to continue to get nutrition throughout the business of the school year!